"Mandy, I don't have the same resources as your STAR client, and thus I can't afford the same top notch products that you use when you're PROFESSIONALLY decorating the face of today's A-List CELEBRITY. Tell me, how can I achieve the same look, for less?"
And I always say, "Well Jennifer, that's easy."
You see girls, and sexually confused boys, to tell you the truth, the sign of a true professional MUA (that's Make-Up Artist to you, Jennifer) is that we ourselves don't need to use even the most expensive brand Boots have to offer, our talent and years of experience do all the work for us.
Thus, I have the perfect solution to your problem!
But I warn you though it's "No Pain, No Gain" if you want to look like my STAR client.
|This is not my client.
Another sign of a truly professional, brilliant, and beautiful make-up artist is that we don't like to
try to hard to create different looks for each person. You see, one of the reasons that make-up was invented was to help disguise those aforementioned "absolutely not lizard people" to blend in with society and live among us by making us all look exactly the same.
|I recommend spraying your make-up with a good dose of industrial strength fixant to avoid any social faux-pas
So that, my dear prostitutes and baby prostitutes, is why I always use the same make-up style each and every time. Be it on myself, on my Star client (I'm still not going to tell you who it is! Hee hee, now why don't you just [R]UNAWAY and listen to all the things that I have to [S]AY[E].
The best tip that I ever received was from my client. It was something that I never learned at the beauty school I dropped out of, so I'm going pass it on to all of you:.
The most important first step when applying makeup is to even the tone of the skin, starting by applying some foundation to the face.
© Copyright Mandy's Mad Makeup Magazine: Become Less Ugly. 2012. All Rights Reserved
Now, I recommend to go for a nice pale complexion, similar to that of a Japanese yūrei.
**TOP TIP 1**
To achieve this, at minimal cost, I suggest that you take whatever household bleach you can find under the sink and smear it on your skin. Due to some science based magic involving something called "chemicals" the bleach will lighten and strip your skin to a healthy porcelain.
**END OF TIP**
Now, let me guess, you're thinking of going for a nice, classic sky blue eyeshadow right?
EW! GET THAT COCK OUT OF YOUR SKANKY MOUTH, BITCH!
We're on a budget here! We can't all be running around buying expensive blue items! Why don't we just smear caviar on our eyes?! You spoiled cunt.
**TOP TIP 2**
Grate the rind of one lemon, before slicing it! Using whatever utensils you have at your disposal, mash the rind with some salt to form a thick powder that you can smear around your eyes. Take two slices of the lemon and place one over each open eye, ensuring the juice completely submerges both eyes. Lie back for four hours and enjoy the beauty process.
This may sting a little, but remember, it'll be worth it! Trust me, I'm a professional!
**END OF TIP**
Now, last, but certainly not least! The only way that anyone will ever consider you beautiful, is if you follow the rigid, unrealistic guidelines that society has set out for you! One of these rules is that you MUST have red lips and cheeks. ITS JUST COMMON SENSE! But as you know, these products are the most expensive of all.
**TOP TIP 3**
This is not so much a tip as it is an investment.
I recommend you pick up 3 Heterometrus laoticus, or as we say in the makeup world, "Asian Forest Scorpions."
Asian Forest Scorpions are notoriously friendly, easy to keep, and lightweight, so shipping is next to nothing! (I got mine on ebay!)
However, they are known to be very volatile and aggressive when exposed to vinegar!
They also have a sting that could break a whore's back!
BUT never fear! They're not at all poisonous, but rather just leave a painful red swelling for up to 48 hours (think of all the time and money you'll save not having to reapply after dinner!)
So I recommend you order three now, rub some vinegar on your cheeks and lips, and let them go to town on your face.
**END OF TIP**
So, we've come to the end of this post.
I hope you enjoy your new, improved, and socially acceptable look!
I would give you more tips, but I'd have to charge you! (HAHAHAHA!)
|No, really. You can make a donation or something as a token of your gratitude
And remember! If you find yourself asking what that burning sensation is...
ITS THE PRICE OF FUCKING BEAUTY, YOU UNGRATEFUL CUMBUCKET!
Love You All,