Friday 20 April 2012

What's That Burning Sensation?

Okay, I often get asked;

"Mandy, I don't have the same resources as your STAR client,  and thus I can't afford the same top notch products that you use when you're PROFESSIONALLY decorating the face of today's A-List CELEBRITY. Tell me, how can I achieve the same look, for less?"

And I always say, "Well Jennifer, that's easy."

You see girls, and sexually confused boys, to tell you the truth, the sign of a true professional MUA (that's Make-Up Artist to you, Jennifer) is that we ourselves don't need to use even the most expensive brand Boots have to offer, our talent and years of experience do all the work for us.
Thus, I have the perfect solution to your problem!

But I warn you though it's "No Pain, No Gain" if you want to look like my STAR client.

This is not my client.

Another sign of a truly professional, brilliant, and beautiful make-up artist is that we don't like to
try to hard to create different looks for each person. You see, one of the reasons that make-up was invented was to help disguise those aforementioned "absolutely not lizard people" to blend in with society and live among us by making us all look exactly the same.

I recommend spraying your make-up with a good dose of industrial strength fixant to avoid any social faux-pas

So that, my dear prostitutes and baby prostitutes, is why I always use the same make-up style each and every time. Be it on myself, on my Star client (I'm still not going to tell you who it is! Hee hee, now why don't you just [R]UNAWAY and listen to all the things that I have to [S]AY[E].

The best tip that I ever received was from my client. It was something that I never learned at the beauty school I dropped out of, so I'm going pass it on to all of you:.
The most important first step when applying makeup is to even the tone of the skin, starting by applying some foundation to the face.  
© Copyright Mandy's Mad Makeup Magazine: Become Less Ugly. 2012. All Rights Reserved 
Now, I recommend to go for a nice pale complexion, similar to that of a Japanese yƫrei

**TOP TIP 1**
To achieve this, at minimal cost, I suggest that you take whatever household bleach you can find under the sink and smear it on your skin. Due to some science based magic involving something called "chemicals" the bleach will lighten and strip your skin to a healthy porcelain.

Now, let me guess, you're thinking of going for a nice, classic sky blue eyeshadow right?
We're on a budget here! We can't all be running around buying expensive blue items! Why don't we just smear caviar on our eyes?! You spoiled cunt.

**TOP TIP 2**
 Grate the rind of one lemon, before slicing it! Using whatever utensils you have at your disposal, mash the rind with some salt to form a thick powder that you can smear around your eyes. Take two slices of the lemon and place one over each open eye, ensuring the juice completely submerges both eyes. Lie back for four hours and enjoy the beauty process.
This may sting a little, but remember, it'll be worth it! Trust me, I'm a professional!

Now, last, but certainly not least! The only way that anyone will ever consider you beautiful, is if you follow the rigid, unrealistic guidelines that society has set out for you! One of these rules is that you MUST have red lips and cheeks. ITS JUST COMMON SENSE! But as you know, these products are the most expensive of all.

**TOP TIP 3**
This is not so much a tip as it is an investment. 
I recommend you pick up 3 Heterometrus laoticus, or as we say in the makeup world, "Asian Forest Scorpions."
Asian Forest Scorpions are notoriously friendly, easy to keep, and lightweight, so shipping is next to nothing! (I got mine on ebay!)
However, they are known to be very volatile and aggressive when exposed to vinegar! 
They also have a sting that could break a whore's back!
BUT never fear! They're not at all poisonous, but rather just leave a painful red swelling for up to 48 hours (think of all the time and money you'll save not having to reapply after dinner!)
So I recommend you order three now, rub some vinegar on your cheeks and lips, and let them go to town on your face.

So, we've come to the end of this post. 
I hope you enjoy your new, improved, and socially acceptable look!
I would give you more tips, but I'd have to charge you! (HAHAHAHA!)

No, really. You can make a donation or something as a token of your gratitude
Follow these tips and you'll look as good as Jennifer here! Doesn't she look beautiful and/or happy?

And remember! If you find yourself asking what that burning sensation is...

Love You All,
Mandy x

Thursday 19 April 2012

My Battle with Obesity: One Vibrant, Vivacious Woman's Struggle

As a beautiful woman with a hectic schedule, I often don’t eat as well as I could or exercise as much as I should. At a modelesque 5’10” I once weighed (OMG this is so embarrassing. LADIES!!!) 95lbs. I was huge. I remember seeing my scales and freaking out thinking, “you fat bitch, soon you’re going to be 100lbs and then you’ll look like all those fat hos who can’t get men but tell everyone they don’t need a man in their life but nobody believes them because they’re clearly lonely and you can tell that their lives are empty and meaningless omg Mandy you bitch you fat dumpy bitch”.

Ladies, it was an overreaction.

Overreaction isn’t even a river in Egypt.

So to all my chunky chicas, larger ladies and obese land whales, I have some makeup tips just for you so you can camouflage those extra pounds and fool any man into thinking you’re worthy of love.

Wear lipstick on your teeth. If he’s looking at your teeth, he ain’t looking at your gut.

Use eye liner to draw suggestive cartoons on your forehead, such as a pair of breasts or, perhaps, draw a more attractive face on your face.

Suggestively dollop moisturiser at the corners of your mouth; get him thinking what you’ve been using those lips for. LADIES!

If you follow these three simple tips, maybe you could nab a man like my Greg! (Realistically though, you probably won’t as I’m most likely far more attractive than you).
Have an extra cheesecake for me ladies! Us sexually active gals are on diets!

Wednesday 18 April 2012

I'll Stick with my Lipstick!

In the 1980s a young woman named Jessica Johannsen was going to a party when she looked at her face and realised she looked naked. Sure, she had on fabulous eyeliner, sexy rouge and body glitter to die for (it was the eighties after all, bitches) but her lips looked gross and pale. Jessica freaked out. She broke every mirror in her house and went on a drunken driving spree that ended up with a hospital visit and a ten week stay in the slammer.

She didn’t waste her time behind bars though. She used the opportunity to invent the one thing that no self respecting woman can exist without: lipstick.

Using a mixture of boiling hot candle wax, chewed up berries she had saved from dinner and a chap stick that had been given to her by the lesbian partner she had acquired in prison, Jessica made the first lipstick and singlehandedly created the women’s liberation movement all in one afternoon.
Jessica’s impact on the feminist movement cannot be overestimated. Several feminist icons have worn lipstick such as:

Tim Curry

Bearded Ladies

Pamela Anderson


So I’d like to take the time to thank you Jessica on behalf of women, and lips (!), everywhere.


A lot of people ask me, “Mandy, what is IN this year”. After collecting my requisite consultation fee I tell them one word: Panda!

That’s right, ladies, pandas are in this year. Think blacks, think whites, think multiculturalism, think your face, think Mandy, think “I AM WORTH THIS”.
Pandas are the king off certain jungles and now they should be king of your face.
Start off with a light brush of talcum powder across your face. You need to look pale as a klansman at a Public Enemy concert. Step 2, get charcoal and just smear it across your eyes, really make your face work for that beauty. 

If your face feels like it’s on fire, the results won’t be dire. Mandy’s no liar!”

Next thing get a black permanent marker and draw a tiny little circle on each cheek. These are black holes to your souls, bitches and any man who sees them is going to get sucked in like a klansman at a white power rally.
Now I don’t know too much about hair, but if I had to choose a style that I thought would suit this look, I’d suggest a power lesbian buzzcut.
You want to look fierce but feminine; sexually active but disease free. This hair cut and that makeover will get you the face you want and the man you NEED. LADIES.

Tuesday 17 April 2012

You're Welcome

Hold your applause, people. Yes, I know, it's pretty amazing that I, Makeup Mandy, PROFESSIONAL makeup artist to the star (No, I can't tell who!) is willing to take time out of her hectic social life to write a blog to help hideous normies like you. I will put up a donation button in time so that you can show me your appreciation with cold hard cash, but until then strap yourself in and prepare for an anal pounding, in terms of makeup.

Boys don't like your personality, bitch.

 On this blog I'll be posting advice, tips, reviews and other makeup related news that the mainstream media DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. Why don't they want you to know? Because certain "people" who definitely aren't "lizards" secretly control the world with their Zionist regime.

Makeup can't fix scales, ho.

Feel free to email me any questions you have, as long as they're not about makeup. I don't give out professional advice for free. Just ask my star client (No guys, I really can't tell!).

Faye Dunaway's makeup always looks excellent. Very PROFESSIONAL.

So slap on some lipstick, bash on some rouge and curl your eyelashes until you're begging for tracoma. WE GOT A JOB TO DO!