My Battle with Obesity: One Vibrant, Vivacious Woman's Struggle

As a beautiful woman with a hectic schedule, I often don’t eat as well as I could or exercise as much as I should. At a modelesque 5’10” I once weighed (OMG this is so embarrassing. LADIES!!!) 95lbs. I was huge. I remember seeing my scales and freaking out thinking, “you fat bitch, soon you’re going to be 100lbs and then you’ll look like all those fat hos who can’t get men but tell everyone they don’t need a man in their life but nobody believes them because they’re clearly lonely and you can tell that their lives are empty and meaningless omg Mandy you bitch you fat dumpy bitch”.

Ladies, it was an overreaction.

**TOP TIP**

Overreaction isn’t even a river in Egypt.

**END OF TIP**

So to all my chunky chicas, larger ladies and obese land whales, I have some makeup tips just for you so you can camouflage those extra pounds and fool any man into thinking you’re worthy of love.

**TIP ONE**

Wear lipstick on your teeth. If he’s looking at your teeth, he ain’t looking at your gut.

**TIP TWO**

Use eye liner to draw suggestive cartoons on your forehead, such as a pair of breasts or, perhaps, draw a more attractive face on your face.

**TIP THREE**

Suggestively dollop moisturiser at the corners of your mouth; get him thinking what you’ve been using those lips for. LADIES!

If you follow these three simple tips, maybe you could nab a man like my Greg! (Realistically though, you probably won’t as I’m most likely far more attractive than you).

Have an extra cheesecake for me ladies! Us sexually active gals are on diets!

I'll Stick with my Lipstick!

In the 1980s a young woman named Jessica Johannsen was going to a party when she looked at her face and realised she looked naked. Sure, she had on fabulous eyeliner, sexy rouge and body glitter to die for (it was the eighties after all, bitches) but her lips looked gross and pale. Jessica freaked out. She broke every mirror in her house and went on a drunken driving spree that ended up with a hospital visit and a ten week stay in the slammer.

She didn’t waste her time behind bars though. She used the opportunity to invent the one thing that no self respecting woman can exist without: lipstick.

Using a mixture of boiling hot candle wax, chewed up berries she had saved from dinner and a chap stick that had been given to her by the lesbian partner she had acquired in prison, Jessica made the first lipstick and singlehandedly created the women’s liberation movement all in one afternoon.

Jessica’s impact on the feminist movement cannot be overestimated. Several feminist icons have worn lipstick such as:

Tim Curry

Bearded Ladies

Pamela Anderson

Chyna

So I’d like to take the time to thank you Jessica on behalf of women, and lips (!), everywhere.